There is so much to say in and about The Conflict: How Modern Motherhood Undermines the Status of Women, and at times it feels as though author Elisabeth Badinter tries to touch on everything. In reflecting on her assertive coverage of a delicate and complex topic, I found myself re-typing quotes from her writing that had sparked a reaction and responding accordingly. Quickly, I went from a blog-length post to a chapter-length post: You have been warned. This alone is a good recommendation for the read. I did not expect to agree with everything, and I intentionally chose to read something controversial to push my own thinking. I was not disappointed.

Photo from amazon.com
Essentially, Badinter makes the following (simplified here) arguments:
1) Modern motherhood has changed thanks to the naturalist philosophy towards pregnancy and parenting (i.e. home-birth, breast-feeding-on-demand, co-sleeping, etc.).
2) Women who choose to stay at home with their children, and leave promising careers behind, are either of the naturally-inclined-to-nurture variety or are intelligent women who have been duped by guilt.
3) This is all very bad for economic and social agendas. Governments should do more.
4) Women staying at home contribute to maintaining a patriarchical status quo more than any other previous offender.
Her discussion of naturalist philosophy and its implications was incisive. While I would not draw the subsequent conclusions that she reaches for her arguments, I agree with her analysis of the influence of the naturalist agenda:
Ecology has been defined as a doctrine that aims to see human beings better adapted to their environments. Beneath the apparent banality of these words lurks a complete reversal of values: rather than mastering and using nature to address human needs and wants, humans are instead called to submit to the laws of nature….Imperceptibly, nature has gained the stature of a moral authority universally admired for its simplicity and wisdom…
As one who decided to stop mid-career to raise our children, I felt alternately annoyed and empathetic to Badinter’s research. I have not embraced a naturalist philosophy, but I have chosen, and yes, with religious considerations playing a key role, to stay at home and focus on what is in the best interest of our children. Yes, it is a sacrifice for my husband and I. Yes, it is hard. Yes, my salary would have almost been completely spent on daycare if I had returned - almost (most definitely with two children). On the other hand, I have friends and colleagues who have chosen to go back to work while their children enjoy their time in a daycare environment. Still, the options available to women who would like to breast-feed or pump during work hours or have to leave early for a sick child are not always accessible. These friends would likely be able to give many more examples of the difficulties of working a paying job while raising children, and I won’t assume to represent them all. It is hard – all around. I was annoyed that Badinter seemed to be, at times, labeling my choice as a threat to society; I was empathetic to her points establishing the naturalist agenda as inconsiderate of the pressures it creates on women who choose to become mothers and return to work.
She then became more specific in her attack on the naturalist agenda in relation to motherhood:
Women are no longer in the same position. They play a significant role in society, and if they all began to stay at home for two or three years after the birth of each child, the economy would feel the effect. But the fact that we can even entertain the notion of a wholesale return to the home shows that playing on women’s guilt eventually works on their minds. If women are subjected to the relentless message that a mother must give her child everything – milk, time, energy – or pay for it later, inevitably more and more of them will give in.
So many things to say about that paragraph alone!
1) Women are no longer in the same position – true and the type of woman that a female wants to be does seem to be a more nuanced decision to make.
2) My mistake, you’re right, we should make our decisions based on what is good for the economy, not our families. I understand that she is using this to establish the importance and impact of women in today’s modern workplace; I do not appreciate the underlying message that our loyalties should be to making family planning decisions based on economic and social agendas.
3) I did not choose to stay at home because someone was “playing on women’s guilt.” Don’t insult me. I’m a thinking woman, something I thought she was advocating, who decided that this was what was important to my family.
4) Don’t insult women in general. Many of us, at least those to whom this message seemed to be delivered, are educated, informed, contributing members of society. Guilt is indeed powerful; women are too.
5) Incidentally, I do believe, after only a year of experience, that raising a child is a lot more work than birthing a child for the state overlords and twiddling my thumbs. It does require food, time, and energy, and it always will – from mothers (and fathers!) everywhere. It requires sacrifice (an aversion to sacrifice seems to be, at times, central to Badinter’s argument) daily. Sometimes hourly.
This then led to her discussion of the way that this agenda influenced motherhood, including her synopsis of motherhood’s alleged new commandment: “Mothers, you owe them everything!” Shortly thereafter she ties this to the crux of the book’s point.
Their [mothers'] increased responsibility for babies and young children has proved just as restrictive, if not more so, than sexism in the home or in the workplace…The tyranny of maternal duty is not new, but it has become considerably more pronounced with the rise of naturalism, and it has thus far produced neither a matriarchy nor sexual equality, but rather a regression in women’s status.
After establishing her agenda, Badinter discusses the challenges that this type of mothering provides for women desiring to remain in the job force after having children; she outlines the various kinds of support provided by different countries and draws conclusions (or admits to inconclusion) about their impact on reproduction numbers; and, she makes increasingly vigorous arguments for increased state responsibility for raising children, using the French model as an example.
It is good to acknowledge the changing realities surrounding parenthood, and Badinter has an established history of keeping these issues in the public eye. While I do not agree with her conclusions in reponse to the conflicts she outlined, and the main conflict she tackles, there were bits and pieces that resonated with my own journey through motherhood which could allow me to respect her wariness of its direction. Ultimately, how one approaches motherhood, including the myriad negotiations that Badinter emphasizes from the outset, is a choice. A personal choice. Yes, it has social, economic, and perhaps political ramifications, but it is a choice that will be made daily by the parents directly involved -for their family. To take away that choice, or to somehow suggest that the only right choice is one which invites the state government to create policies allowing a woman to be equally tied to a desk and the oven for the sake of gender equality (and that a woman should embrace that option), is not a move in the right direction. Likewise, insinuating that, in the absence of clearly articulated reasons to become a mother, a person could be most persuaded by better state incentives is equally abhorrent and insulting. My uterus is not available for government subsidy, and I would highly discourage anyone from having a child if they think that a measly pension from the state and 9-5 help is going to make your parenthood a breeze. There is the ultimate dupe.
Women have changed. Motherhood has changed. The relationship between the two has necessarily changed. This does not mean that everything from the past is wrong or that any progressive response is right. The discussion must continue for us to find workable solutions that blend the lessons learned from history and the opportunities of the present – without sacrificing women – or children. Badinter suggests that we need to change “the ideal of the good mother devoted to her children;” I would counter that it might be more constructive to change mens’ and womens’ minds about “the ideal of the good woman” for it seems that therein lies the most pressure.
Translated into English from its original French version, I doubt The Conflict lost much of Badinter’s original intentions. The writing is clear, the perspective is thoughtful (and at times confrontational), and the overall effect is unapologetically direct. I recommend this read for those with an interest in sociological topics, gender studies, or with a vested interest in joining intelligent conversations surrounding the role of women and mothers. There is much to think about in this text, and that is not a bad thing.
For additional perspectives on this reading, check out these posts:
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/05/01/the-choice-to-stay-home-no-pressure/
http://notanothermother.com/2012/04/25/the-real-conflict-how-modern-feminism-undermines-the-status-of-mothers/